F***ing GO!

In the event of my untimely death

I take to my grave, and beyond

mistakes made, and good deeds done

knowledge, and wisdom I otherwise would not have known

Peace of Christ ruling in my heart

I once was blind, but now I am not:

2020 aka year of the pandemic

COVID-19

who knew it would take a nationwide halt,

shut it down, you cannot, 

cover your mouth,

no touching-- 

isolation

to make everyone feel like ME--sorry, not sorry...

as I thrived some furled a brow

should I believe what I am hearing...

not lacking empathy 

left brow raised in curiosity

back-at-ya

as I listened, and watched carefully...observing 

slight grin on my face maintaining humility

what seems so difficult

so self defining

lacking what is "needed"

hard to navigate; not equipped to deal with these conditions

this is bullshit

I want my life back!

--is so 2020 Ford Mustang Mach-E GT

0-60 in 3.5 for me--

GO!

now do you 'get it'?!

Came In Like A Lamb

Came In Like A Lamb

o'come Emmanuel, we sing, praise and celebrate
what's in a name...

2019 year of  shackles broken,

mud dried and cracked, 

like Banner becoming the Hulk,

fuck your psychological prison cells

plain as day, transparency 

turned 46
in remission of symptoms
all year

functioning optimally

logic has re-entered the building

starting college again,

I'm going to be a chef!

God is with us;
up on my own two
again--
came in like a lamb, 
going out like the "Tiger" I am 

Taking my power back, 2020
ring up the curtain
it feels good to be back 

My name is:  Michelle

over and over again

the mind gets tripped and triggered

wrapped all up in illness

gaslight and walk away

like it ain't nothin'

I ain't mad

every time

I come out new and improved

like a vintage stingray split window coupe

pulled from the scrap yard

and restored

smoking tires to easy Sunday drives

"Om-shooby-doo-wop

ya know it's gonna be alright"

With A Little Help From My Friends 

Here's to a fresh 2020

so long 2019, you've been good to me!

unlike a moth to a flame

 Seems often I catch a glimpse of Light

without even trying

through the cracked foundations--

plaster covered corruption.

brow raise of wonder, turn into questions 

quickly thrown a toy of distraction--

commence operation snuff her out.

delusional?  grandiose? 
sixth sense or common sense?

Standing, wondering, questioning myself, 

even asking-- 

"am  I evil?"

 do I seek to harm?  No.

do I nag to be right?  No.

simply a matter of squinting--

I am drawn to the Light.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 

"I am the light of the world. 

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, 

but will have the light of life."
John 8:12

No worries.

After Church, a sermon that was very on point, and needed - leaving us with the question:
"implausible, impossible or Gospel?  You decide"

Gospel, I decide, as I made lunch.

No worries.  

Not my problem, it's God's problem.

Do God's work and don't worry about what anyone says, thinks or does to me...this is all part of being a disciple. 

Don't worry.  Period.  

I'm making lunch & realize it goes along with my *yesterday deep pondering:

[*commandments and church and our duty to one another...

I should not be afraid - who is doing the greater disservice?  

Who is allowing such comfortable dependence turning into entitlement and sinful acts?

As the church what does that say about how we hold true to the Bible - God's written out instructions?

As a society, mainstream immorality; are we the church succumbing to the world???

I have deep questions now--Spiritual contemplation as well as, my role as a Christian as well as, a church role]

And what keeps me awake is fear, don't worry, is right, I am not having a mental breakdown and not headed that way so, why worry about it!  Yeah, I lol'ed a bit. 

At the end of the day, it boiled down, for me, to just stay true, people will get upset with you, the Gospel told us so.  The Gospel also tells us not to worry; 

^{Matthew 6:26-34 NKJV 
26} Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one ^[a]cubit to his ^[b]stature?

Tiger Albee Photo

²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not ^[c]arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Raise Your Voice

There are those who will attempt to gaslight,

trigger

and stigmatize you--

don't let them get to you

don't let them set you back!

Those folks motives have nothing to do with you

and everything to do with them--

walk away 

Protecting yourself is not a sign of weakness

it is a sign of healthy boundaries

sound mind & strength!

Unfortunately, these attempts are a bright light to how important raising our voice is!

Wordless

 

 Silence 

A prequel to a quiet place 

I find sanctuary

*wink*

*wink*

no more masking

said one hundred twenty three times, easily,

randomly pulling this number out of my ass,

like most things done

and or said

in my closing in on forty six years here;

no longer having to hide

I'm a bit mentally behind,

second guessing

what is meant by a lot of things,

afraid to inquire,

behind closed doors

googling simple things,

often more confused and scared

than anyone could fathom;

hell, if I said it out loud

you'd laugh—I'm so funny like that...

Popeye had his spinach

I chose 'liquid courage',

seat of my pants and ass-backward

could care less

like Pigpen's cloud of dust

high functioning drunk,

add in mental illnesses and what do you get?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 and the Oscar goes to--

Miss Albee

AKA one hot fricken' mess...

SN: with a “killer smile” & really great hair! 

*wink*

to the untrained eye

just trying to find my way,

“What Color Is Your Parachute?”,

yeah, I had a friend gift me this is the early 1990's...

hitting my knees-literally-in 2007

screaming, what I now know to be a lament,

followed by a bureaucratic “fall from Grace” ~

tripped, without missing a step,

into the arms of God-literally-

sober, closing in on six years,

and vice free...

here's to closing in on 46 more years here

*wink*

days till 46

> $850,000,000,000.00

 https://www.thestreet.com/personal-finance/retailers-shrug-off-stock-turmoil-and-ring-up-strong-holiday-sales-14820420

This holiday season a six year sales record was hit -- USA spent more than $850 Billion dollars...let that sink in. Merry Christmas?


I've felt a numb boredom to the point of skipping Christmas Eve services. I have pondered; was it no snow, no watching those kids I purchased for open the gifts, my missing my always under-foot feline companion--on and on...I feel for me I have become so accustomed to our commercialization of Christmas that I need to re-engage myself with the core, true (self) core of this holiday to enjoy in a more natural way. 


 Perhaps, hearing that church pews hit record numbers of worshipers or there's a significant rise in random door-to-door carolers amid the worldly chaos or that the homeless population is on a decline. I dunno but hearing about Wall Street and Mastercard usage numbers just gives joy to me--the kind of Joy that says, yes!, this is why I felt a numb (disengage) boredom!  I am overcome with traditional Christmas boredom, the kind that tells me all this is not what Christmas is about...

The First Noel (click to listen)

Medusa [An Annie Lennox Advent]

 Whiter Shade of Pale - Annie Lennox

 

 

If you’ve been following the bouncing-ball, ‘grateful for’ this year is a blank I am struggling to fill in.  Advent my favorite, joy-filled time of year feels intensely somber, like Medusa is lurking around the corner; gaze and be turned to stone?  Keep averting the profane normalcy of today’s society? 

Christmas hymns, seasonal festive music, movies and yes, even “A Charlie Brown Christmas” all a numb boredom…however, the album Medusa by Annie Lennox feels seasonally appropriate.

I waited for the ashes of my 17+ year feline companion “to come” home to do my decorating, yes, even my little Charlie Brown Christmas tree.  It is not his physical absence, it is not that my physical Christmas gifts have been given, it is not that I look around seeing the physical reality of our world or even the physical reality staring back in the mirror.  Perhaps, the hidden scars & crosses I bear. 

Or perhaps, it is the real of the Christmas story; the portion lacking: infancy—adulthood of Jesus Christ–hidden.  Hidden below the surface. 

 *not my image or property*

Curious wondering with tones of I can’t even imagine.  What was Mary and Joseph’s life like those years?  Not to mention our dear little Savior–the “terrible twos” to the awkward-phase teenage years?  His realization of I am He!  Not to mention Mom and “Stepdad” (yeah, think about that!) parenting the worlds SAVIOR…

I can’t even imagine, yet I try, over and over again.  The imagery at times in my mind feels cute, fun clips and others feel worrisome…

Maybe this is the seed of my 2018 Advent somber tones.  Unknown.  Secret.  Hidden.  Uncertain.  Tied together with Faith.  Faith & Hope in the same unknown.  That in between, much like my own life’s places of in between–hidden.  The same but different, lacking.

 

12/2018 Tiger Albee Photo

Tyger Forward Is...: In Out-Out and In[rewind fast forward]

Tyger Forward Is...: In Out-Out and In:





I came across this
Calvin and Hobbes cartoon this morning and am being flooded with just
how true the realization of this is, i.e.: Let us
hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he
who promised is faithful. And
let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good
works, 25 not
neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging
one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing
near. Hebrews 10:24-25



  

Not
to downplay Outreach ministries or the work of  the Church, Deacons,
Elders, Program Staff, etc. or anything like that, rather, stir it
all up a bit more.

One
thing I can recall vividly my 1^st Sunday service, was the use of the word “inreach” and I was sold! I
was seeking a new church and I felt I needed you to take care of me
and when I joined as a member I took
my questions seriously and you had me there, too – to take care of
you. What has changed or shifted is the meaning of inreach has
morphed into personal development; maintaining mental stability,
Spiritual growth, fasting and prayer (1 Peter 2:1-3).

I am
not who I was when I showed up at your doorstep wandering lost,
lonely, broken, addicted to alcohol/cigarettes and in need—dire
need—I was literally going to die...You stirred up to love and
encouraged now faith and good works, the type Christ charges us to
live and do, freely flow, everywhere I go, additionally I offer you
all the greatest gift I can by taking care of myself—you did that!
Had no idea, huh, that is how powerful the life in Christ is; Faith
and Hope, Peace and Love – the cornerstone of Outreach;

Brothers
and Sisters  "Come,
follow me," Jesus said, "and I will send you out to fish
for people."  - let
us keep that in mind in our ministries, even the day-to-day mundane, perhaps using the words of
Jim Rohn let us encourage others with a mere “take care of you for
me”.

Jars of Clay - Five Candles =0)x

I dunno.

I dunno.

I just.  Don't.  Know.

I really don't know how many times this year I said "I need to stop watching the news".  I just don't know how burying my head in the sand would make anything better either.

The time of year is here where we as a collective unit share our stories of "I am grateful for ___."  Seeing repeatedly on social media count down of days and photos of gratitude leading us into the Christmas season.  Amid all this is the bombarding of ads by way of every possible avenue: wacky and wavy inflatable arm-flailing tube men armies plague our streets at a multiplying like rabbits rate...

I dunno.  

To say I don't take notice of what they are selling and ponder do I need? could I use? would be false.  To say I don't walk away and think back to the horrific stories I saw on the news and scold myself for thinking about the former (I) when clearly the latter (others) is where my focus should be, would also be false.  To say I just. don't. know. how I can comprehend that two (or more) conflicting things can coexist yet not be able to wrap my head around it at the same time is true.  So true that even in my own personal life it is that type of struggle more regularly than I care to admit.  

I dunno.  

Part of me still holds hope, for the world as well as personally; it is semi-sustaining and semi-draining--therefor, I must distract my own selfishness (I suppose that is what it truly is) by way of working and doing for others.  I sometimes feel guilty when those days that I dread show up; the fact of "is this all there is?!" because quite frankly I have no reason to complain; bills all paid, all I need and some to share, so it really is mere selfish wallowing!  Sometimes I worry when I pray honestly to God, because though it is with a do I dare speak the words, gut wrenching fear "what if there is nothing after this life"?  I then quickly apologize and "pacify" myself with well, you are doing good things, given up bad habits and addictions, live as purely as one possible can or at best aim to try to do so--what would be so bad about going out like that?  Also recalling Matthew 6 regarding faith, humility, earthly gains, "each day has enough trouble of its own."--that usually reals me back into a state of calm and realization--I can delay gratification.

I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___."  Perhaps, this is a brand new for me.  Like but a few brand news I have experienced since turning 40 five years and change ago.  Mimicking a 1500 piece jigsaw puzzle, day by day taking time to put it all together in between daily tasks and obligations and life's interruptions.  

I dunno, so, I will continue to trust in what I just don't know, have Faith in what I believe, follow where the Spirit leads me and maybe, just maybe others can fill in the blank this year.  Others who have been here--I just. don't. know. how to be grateful this year.  I don't know how to fill in the blank: "I am grateful for___." 

Galatians 5:24 ²⁴Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

I Agree.

I agree. However, let me be a bit more clarifying...
Over the last couple years I have been practicing more & more living moment by moment. As my mind on its own tends to race at high speed whenever it feels fit leaving me NO CHOICE but to sit and just "be still". Interim I take moments, usually in the wee hours (5:30 AM ish) to just sit on the couch in the dark and be, setting a slow and calm, quiet and peaceful tone to "just do it"! All this week was packed with more than normal for me and I found this time around it was different--I also knew yesterday as I got up and sat "just do it" was a call for rest.
In conclusion, I agree, though I need the moment by moment pace and I also require--require a listening silence to help guide in "just do [what] it"


*find Thought For Today here:  https://www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk/wp-admin/www.thoughtfortoday.org.uk

Moments of Peace

Delight Thyself

He is risen,

He is risen, indeed!

I'm a really simple kind of being; I guess that can be true in the simple minded at times sense as well as the it doesn't take much--grand gestures really aren't needed.  I also am a fan of sharing the simple little things with those whom I love. 

Easter 2012 is one best remembered for transition


                                                                            | -2013
                                                                            |
                                                                            | --2014

Easter 2015 is one best remembered for validation

                                                                            | --2016
                                                                            |
                                                                            | --2017

Easter 2018 is one best remembered for solidification And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

                                                                            |
                                                                            |
                                                                           

7  The law of the Lord is perfect,
    reviving the soul;
the testimony of the Lord is sure,
    making wise the simple;  (Psalm 19:7)

Cause me to hear thy loving kindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.  (Psalm 143:8)

  I have considered my ways and have turned my steps to your statutes.  (Psalm 119:59)

When I consider your heavens,

    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place,  (Psalm 8:8)

43 Let the one who is wise heed these things
    and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.  (Psalm 107:43)

 

He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life. 

 My help and glory are in God 

 So trust him absolutely, people; lay your lives on the line for him. God is a safe place to be. (Psalm 62:6-8)

I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word. 

 I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me. 

 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! (Psalm 119:101-103)

 Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.

 For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.

 I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living.  (Psalm 116:7-9)

Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  (Psalm 37:4)

                                                     

                                                     

Praise The Lord!